424 BC

THE KNIGHTS

by Aristophanes

anonymous translator

CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY -

DEMOSTHENES

NICIAS

AGORACRITUS, a Sausage-Seller

CLEON

DEMOS

CHORUS OF KNIGHTS

THE KNIGHTS -

(SCENE:- The Orchestra represents the Pnyx at Athens; in the background is the house of DEMOS.) -

DEMOSTHENES

OH! alas! alas! Oh! woe! oh! woe! Miserable Paphlagonian! may the gods destroy both him and his cursed advice! Since that evil day when this new slave entered the house he has never ceased belabouring us with blows. -

NICIAS

May the plague seize him, the arch-fiend- him and his lying tales! -

DEMOSTHENES

Hah! my poor fellow, what is your condition? -

NICIAS

Very wretched, just like your own. -

DEMOSTHENES

Then come, let us sing a duet of groans in the style of Olympus. -

DEMOSTHENES AND NICIAS

Boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo! boo, hoo!! -

DEMOSTHENES

Bah! it's lost labour to weep! Enough of groaning! Let us consider how to save our pelts. -

NICIAS

But how to do it! Can you suggest anything? -

DEMOSTHENES

No, you begin. I cede you the honour. -

NICIAS

By Apollo! no, not I. Come, have courage! Speak, and then I will say what I think. -

DEMOSTHENES (in tragic style)

"Ah! would you but tell me what I should tell you!" -

NICIAS

I dare not. How could I express my thoughts with the pomp of Euripides? -

DEMOSTHENES

Oh! please spare me! Do not pelt me with those vegetables, but find some way of leaving our master. -

NICIAS

Well, then! Say "Let-us-bolt," like this, in one breath. -

DEMOSTHENES

I follow you- "Let-us-bolt." -

NICIAS

Now after "Let-us-bolt" say "at-top-speed!" -

DEMOSTHENES

"At-top-speed!" -

NICIAS

Splendid! Just as if you were masturbating; first slowly, "Let-us-bolt"; then quick and firmly, "at-top-speed!" -

DEMOSTHENES

Let-us-bolt, let-us-bolt-at-top-speed! -

NICIAS

Hah! does that not please you? -

DEMOSTHENES

Yes, indeed, yet I fear your omen bodes no good to my hide. -

NICIAS

How so? -

DEMOSTHENES

Because masturbation chafes the skin. -

NICIAS

The best thing we can do for the moment is to throw ourselves at the feet of the statue of some god. -

DEMOSTHENES

Of which statue? Any statue? Do you then believe there are gods? -

NICIAS

Certainly. -