Ok, so here is where I am now. I know that no one out there has any real details about me, which is just as well because there are too many too lay out all at once (not too mention how fucking boring it would be to read). So just like one of "those" books, you'll have to absorb the characters and ideas as they come.
When I watch movies that portray life (somewhat) accurately, I find myself laughing at the humor and then stopping suddenly because I realize just how pathetic and dark the undertones are. Needless to say a lot of character pieces are hitting me harder than before, and I'm finding less humor in the whole picture. A good movie to represent this is "Trainspotting", with Ewan McGregor. Not to sound like a queer or nothin', but he's pretty hot for a guy.
Addiction. Everyone has 'em. Some are acceptable, others belong somewhere on the continuum with "completely unnaceptable" at the other end. Cigarettes. They used to be widely portrayed in movies and just in everyday life. Nowadays I'm actually finding myself with other people saying shit like, "Oh my god, they're smoking." Yeah, they are smoking, fucknut, and your addiction is that you're a judgemental mother fucker with nothing better to do than jack off and then beg God for forgiveness on Sunday.
Yes, I am referring to a specific person, but the thought does apply to a lot of people. Everyone is just a composite of movies and television and if it hadn't already beaten all the sickness out of me, I'd get naseous everytime I hear someone use a catchy phrase from some commercial selling a beverage. Fuck, I do it too.
In my Biology class, there are two hot Indian girls that I am sort of trying to pick up on. When we all were discussing what we were doing on Friday night, it turns out that everyone had made plans to sit at home and watch television. It appears to be more of a hassle to go out and do something. But what is there to do? Bowling and pool are about all I can find in this fucking city. Oh, and going to the movies but they almost always suck.
Sociology. Don't have the class, but here's a thought on it anyway. You cannot do a damn thing if you are a loner. Loner will indefinately equal loser because it seems that a loner isn't worthy enough to pass on their genes if no one enjoys their company. That means if you don't want to look like even more of a loser and get public hassle, then don't go to any public recreational places alone. Why the fuck would anyone shoot pool or go bowling by themselves? I haven't done either nor do I plan to for reasons aforementioned.
Having a big vocabulary makes you sound like a pompous dick. So don't use it if you've got it. People will get pissed off about swearing and double negatives and this and that when really all it does is seperate you from an entire class of other people. So why don't wholesome white Christians enjoy rap? It swears all the fucking time and talks about lewd subjects. "Oh no! They're talking about REAL LIFE. What trash, turn it off!" Then they'll go and put in a yanni CD to forget about the harsh realities that they never have to face on a daily basis.
I've thought about shooting heroin, but won't for two main reasons. The first, but not the best, is that how the fuck would I ever get a hold of it? I can't even get a hit of acid for christsakes. The next reason, is because it is against the unspoken Law of Drug Experimentation. First: Never stay up more than one night on any drug for any reason at all. Second: Never shoot anything (and why? Because your body becomes dependent on it and when you don't have it, your body becomes physically ill, as if it needed a certain nutrient or something). The other reasons I've forgotten, but I'll sure post 'em when I think of 'em.
Acid. God, how I would love to drop acid. Why? Because I'm the type of person that can handle a new experience. I know my body and I know my mind. I don't freak out, I try to understand. Anything that any drug can do to you will always have this natural, untapped body potentiality attached because well, you experience the drug through chemicals changing in your BODY. Rule number Three: Don't smoke crack. Especially for people like me that are addicted to cigarettes, possibly more addictive than, you guessed it, heroin.
But enough about that.
Crises. Sooo necessary in our lives, yet so far out of reach. I've been wanting to change the way I am since I was thirteen. I've only exceeded in small ways. Firstly, the physical stuff: I've bleached my hair, pierced my ear and my tongue, and excercise a lot more than I used to. I've tried changing my clothes but can never really find anything that fits me, also that doesn't have some stupid advertisement or trendy cliche bullshit attached. So for now, until I can really establish what type of art/fashion ensemble suits me, I'm stuck with blue jeans and ordinary, plain t-shirts. My shoes are some way-too-big shoes from my skateboarding days (I never was very good). I'll probably just end up with some converse or some other type of sneakers (yes, I just used the word sneakers).
Sexy. Body Image. Self Consciousness. Who isn't self conscious up the ass? That's what makes us people. That's what gives us the drive to survive, the will to find a mate. Do I like my body. I'm less-endowed than I could wish, and my skin is whiter than the standard. But I know that if I have something to offer the opposite sex, there really isn't a problem by the time the clothes start flying off. But what do I have to offer the opposite sex? A sparkling, bursting personality? Nope. Fraid not. Unfortunately, while self-consciousness may be helpful in most ways for most people, it drags me down hard. For years I haven't been able to even express my ideas to other people without mumbling and other strange discourse markers.
I'm afraid of my dad. I guess. I guess that's where a lot of my trouble comes from. That mormon fuck still living in Utah is controlling my social life. So for now, while I am writing in this journal, I am making a pact to you, the audience, that from this day forward he, or anyone else who tries to change me for the worse, will have no more influence on my personal decisions. That means I'm free. I'm free by the end of this paragraph. Take a shot of tequila for me. Afterall, I am eighteen.
Sorry that my entries are so long, but I've also decided that while I'm on a roll, I'm not going to stop. It's very therapeutic to write down your subconscious thoughts. Stuff like, God I'd really like to fuck a hot girl right now. Damn.
Haven't you ever wanted to just stop what you're doing and then do something you've never done before, just to see how people react. Try saying things to others that you would have never thought of saying. Taking control of the situation? I know for some Type A people, this is just normal everday shit. But for spineless, helpless fucks like me, it can be quite a hard task. And it all goes back to being afraid of social retribution. I knew a kid in high school that was a total dork, but he wasn't afraid to talk to anyone or do whatever he wanted, and I've always admired him for that even though I thought he was a total dork. Now I'm not a total dork so maybe becoming myself-to-the-public could benefit me a lot more than I even know.
I find myself wanting to express my ideas in some form of media or another, but I'm not good at anything enough to do it. This is the most frustrating feeling in the world. I want to write a song, but I can't do it. I want to draw a picture, but I'm not good enough. I want to create a flash movie but the animation process grinds everything to a halt.
Ok, now I'm tired, so I'll just end this all with a very quotable quote that I just made up and that you should all take into your daily lives: "I am who I am. Fuck you."
Peace.
