Ok, so this is what is up now. About a month ago I moved with my mom into an actual house. This includes another very Christian, anti-drug roomate, but she shure do cook well. And she's OCD or something so I don't ever have to worry about cleaning up dishes! Yipee!
By the way, Beck kicks ass.
So everything seems to be cool now. I'm still an eighteen year old without any income, still living with his mom and still without a car. But fuck it, I can rationalize all that away with the fact that I do agree with the bible on ONE POINT: Money IS the root of all evil. Also, material possessions man, fuck 'em. So I'm kinda stuck inhouse without any excuse to leave. The sad thing is that I'm technically an adult according to the government, but I still can't tell my mom I smoke cigarettes because I know she'll contrive some bull shit rule having to do with me living with her and her paying half my rent. GOD it sucks to be a dependent.
So I'm a bum. If you ever want to think about why that may not be the worst thing in the world (except the fact that everyone is an asshole to you for no good reason), then watch "The Big Lebowski". Good flick.
Ok, so it turns out that I have an older brother that is a genious. So much in fact, that he can probably even spell 'genius' correctly. But seriously, he is one intelligent mutha fucka. You know how when you're a kid, and you think your dad knows everything? Well, I'm all grown up and he really does know everything. For the diary his name shall be Shawn.
Ok, so the story with Shawn is that he's my sister's ex-husband. So that makes him my ex-brother-in-law I guess. Anyway, she's still best friends with him and we all hang out alot and it's all peaches and cream. They're just not married. I don't know why eveyone thinks you have to hate or have some kind of rivalry with your ex-spouse.
Ok, so Shawn and I are almost 10 years apart in age, but we both share a very similar, scientific world view. We click, and we can hang out for almost indefinate amounts of time without totally getting on each other's nerves. So basically, right now, while he doesn't have a job, and I'm in school with ZERO (0, nothing, zilch, fuckin' no extra curricular friendships) SOCIAL LIFE, we hang out.
I don't know if you ever have anyone that you get together with to talk philosophy, but Shawn is like that for me. We talk about social evolution, and the mathamatical equation that the universe sprang from and other shit like that. And we smoke a lot of pot. He smokes cigarettes a little, I smoke them a lot more. Personally, I'm glad he doesn't smoke that much the tobacco, it's pretty bad shit. I'm doing about one stoge a day (or I should say night, which I'll get to later).
By the way, Beck kicks ass.
I finally cried (my eyes got watery) when watching a movie. I've felt so emotionless and soul-sucked for so many years that tearing up was refreshing. The name of the movie: Requiem for a Dream (edited version). I could rant all about the editting for days, but I'll leave that issue be for now. Anyway, if you've ever seen it, I cried at the part where he's on the phone to his girlfriend (Jennifer Connelly) near the end of the movie. On a side note, I've always thought Jennifer Connelly is so fuckin' hot. If you're a fan of hers you should see "Inventing the Abbots", which is a good movie all on its own, but her nekkid breasts are like a big friggin' bonus.
I miss my friend Calvin. He lives in Utah and isn't mormon. He's stuck there, with no escape. I think one of these days I'm gonna rescue him. He's such a cutie.
So I'm getting a lot of shit from my mom lately about getting a job. I don't tell her this, but really I don't want to be tied down on the weekends. Also, I have school during the week so the only time I could work would be on the weekends. Plus, I'd rather sit at home and do nothing than work. Maybe I'm just weird that way. Maybe I just hate the idea of someone telling me to behave a certain way because they're paying me. Money is evil. IT'S NOT WORTH IT, FOLKS. There's a huge difference between working your land, bringing your family health, and working at some warranty service place telling people that they're fucked because of some small print they didn't bother to read. Or working by dishing out food to people and smiling and telling them to have a nice day, when really you couldn't give a shit. "Oh, it's not so bad," you may say, and really it's not that hard, but jesus god it is so against all of human nature and personal principles and pride.
So if someone paid me a million dollars to be in some commercial and lie to people, would I do it? Hell yes I would. Money is that important in our culture. You can't just can't start a new money-less community unless you have enough people that think the same way that you do. Even if I were to start some type of self-sustaining commune, the government would label us 'freemen' and we'd have a shoot-out to the death with the FBI. It's like Rage said, "What, land of the free? Whoever told you that is your enemy!"
Ok, so I am an anti-american bastard. And my mom knows it a little bit. She really digs her nails into me when she says it's all Shawn's fault that I think the way I do. But I've had it described like this before. You can agree with someone on this point and that point, but you may not necessarily agree as far as personalities, or individual living habits. Like Bill and Hillary Clinton. He may have fucked around on her, but they have the same political views, so they still hang out. So with Shawn, I may think that he's an eccentric genius, geeky to the extreme, but I know he's a really great person, and I agree with him on a lot of shit.
I tried to chew my mom out tonight by stating that I'm an individual, that I'm an adult, and it offended me that she just thinks I'm the product of someone else's thoughts. She danced around the issue. God she's so hard to love.
Sorry if my shit is a little boring tonight; basically I'm just waiting for everyone to go to sleep so I can enjoy a smoke. But, people are still awake at 1: 35 in the morning, so let me just follow up with one more random thought.
Ok, the first thought that popped into my head was the idea of all the shit that's really bugging me; stressin' me out. If you sit and think about it, I'm sure you can think of multiple things that are bugging you too. Ok, here's what's bugging me:
My cousins. I haven't seen them in a year. My cousin who is like two years younger is a totally cool guy. My other cousin, who's like two years younger, is a total cutie and we relate on different levels. Anyway, I haven't seen them since the last time I came and the cousin that's two years yougner than me, Spencer, and I were flirting with one of Rachel's(the younger cousin) friends. Anyway, it all got down to a daring game, and we got to see her tits in exchange for her seeing each of our cocks. So Spencer showed her his while I was in the bathroom trying to beef mine up as much as possible but finding it very hard to stimulate. Anyway, after I showed her, we were all sitting down and talking, and she turned off the flirt engines and gave me the complete cold shoulder. At first, like any socially-dumb guy, I didn't get what was going on. Then she actually sat there and just laughed a little bit to herself, for apparently no reason at all. The laugh reeked of contempt which I knew was for me, and it hit me. If my mind could blush and flush with anger all at once, it did at that moment. I got up and mumbled something about getting some cereal and left.
Ok, I never know how clear I make things, so if you didn't get it: MY COUSIN WHO IS TWO YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME HAS A BIGGER COCK THAN I DO AND SOME BRATTY JUNIOR HIGH GIRL MADE FUN OF ME FOR IT.
*Phew* Nice to get that out for once.
Random: I guess one thing I've always admired Eminem for, is his self-deprecating raps, which make it so that no one can diss him, because his personal life is right out in the open. Everyone is fucked up, I just think it's time that everyone got a little more comfortable with their decisions and their bodies. I know I'm not comfortable enough yet.
Ok, another thing bugging me. My older brother (not Shawn), Elliot, is a totally cool guy. He also had a mysterious lump in his neck, which turned out to be a cancerous lymph node. He has Hodgekins. I feel like an asshole because I haven't done much research on the disease, but maybe that's because I figure he already has done the research, knowing him. Plus, he's already undergone the chemotherapy so all I can really do now is just cross my fingers and hope to God he makes it.
Ok, this has gone on way too long, I'm tired as hell, and I want that cigarette.
Peace everybody.
